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I have MAN[y] Issues Volver a "I have MAN[y] Issues"

Hey boo, how you doin’?

By Dennis M. Ayotte, Jr. | 04 de enero de 2012

Dennis M. Ayotte, Jr. is La Prensa's resident Writer-at-large with many of his own MAN issues. Follow his column as his shares his tales of success, his failures, insecurities, unique views on life and occasional rants.

S.A..- Dennis M. Ayotte, Jr. is La Prensa's resident Writer-at-large with many of his own MAN issues. Follow his column as his shares his tales of success, his failures, insecurities, unique views on life and occasional rants.

By Dennis M. Ayotte, Jr

As dudes, sometimes we often don’t think before we speak, text, email or Facebook.

For some reason we aren’t born with that voice in our head that says “Hey maybe you should rethink that before you say it.” It’s sad, I know, but it’s a struggle some of us have dealt with for years. The medical term for this (according to the MAN-issues-book of medicine) is foot-in-mouth syndrome or FIMS for short.

It gets worse when we think of names to call a girl we’re crushing on, trying to talk to or all already with.

I’m not talking about shortening their birth name (like from Jennifer to Jen); I’m talking about the lame, I’m-trying-to-be-cute-names.

Allow me to give you a few examples of those—“honeybuns,” “pookie” and “sweet cakes.” I admit that I once called a girl I cared deeply for, “poopie.” Poopie? Yeah, I know what you’re thinking … feces.

No, “poopie” was a genuine name that came out of nowhere and that’s why it worked (granted adult beverages were involved, but she loved it). I can’t explain it and that’s what makes it best.

What doesn’t work is when we pull names out of the “cliché bag of names for girls.” Read these rules, learn from them and know to never use these names (including poopie). In order to put together a solid list, I polled a select group of educated and beautiful women.

The MAN rules are as follows:

Rule 1. Never use a gangster term such as “slim,” “shorty” or “boo”. A) Because most likely you’re not a rapper and that’s not part of your daily vocabulary and B) because those terms were possibly okay in 1995, but you still had to be a rapper.

Rule 2. Never use a kindergarten term. For example, “pookie,” “pumpkin” and “precious” are off limits. “Pookie” has been used more times than Paris Hilton’s said “that’s hot” (and that’s like once every 47 seconds, give or take). “Pumpkin” could insinuate you think she is short, fat and orange and “baby girl” isn’t so much kindergarten per say, but babies don’t date.

Rule 3. Anything animal related is a NO. “Mouse,” “whiskers” and “monkey.” Animals aren’t the worst, but definitely the most cheesy and annoying. Moreover, why would you want to refer to your girlfriend as an animal or rodent? Again, avoid these names and any related.

Rule 4. Nothing associated with food such as “muffin,” sweet cakes” or “honeybuns” is acceptable. First, “muffin” is unoriginal and something you might call a cat. If you call a girl “sweet cakes” or “honeybuns”—three things—you most likely have been rocking a mustache (or mullet) since 1984, hang out at bowling alleys or collect a retirement check.

Rule 5. Anything dealing with pageantry or prefaced with a “Ms.” is the worst route you could ever go. For example, Ms. America, Ms. Precious, Ms. Universe, Ms. Amazing and I’ve even Ms. (insert her street name here) all of which are no go’s. This will be the death of you ever scoring a date with any girl.

If you already call your girl one these names and they’re cool with it, then ignore my rules for now. However, once you breakup with her, refer back to this column.

It’s cool if you want to call your girl something special but make sure it’s from the heart. The best names usually come out of nowhere, that’s what makes them special. When you dip into the cliché bag of names and try to come up with a cute pet name is when you get the WTF text, email or Facebook message, or worse … no reply at all.

If you have your own MAN issues you’d like La Prensa’s writer-at-large to tackle email dennisayottejr@gmail.com. If can tolerate him feel free to follow or friend him.

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